By: Phil Huang

I was born from Vietnamese parents, both of whom left their home country to find a better life in the United States. Many Asian Americans can relate to constantly being reminded of the inherent responsibility we have to our parents as we grow older. This responsibility is called filial piety. Filial piety is understanding that our parents sacrificed their entire lives to come to a new country, learn a new language, and start a new life for the betterment of our futures. We are told every now and then – directly or otherwise – that we must repay our gratitude as we mature and find our place in society so that our parents’ efforts will not go to waste. We are raised with the idea that we would have very little if it weren’t for them, and that we are much more privileged in this day and age than they ever were. In my case, I have learned that because of my upbringing, it is sometimes difficult to determine when it is right for me to voice my own struggles.

I am a homosexual male. It is no secret that those of us who are part of the LGBTQ community have different struggles and experiences, and I am no exception. The media is gradually seeing an increase in representation from the community, and for that, I am very grateful. However, as an Asian American who is also part of the LGBTQ community, it is disheartening to see very little representation when it comes to people like me. If the white, straight, cis-gendered man is the most privileged demographic in the United States of America in the current day, I dare say the white, gay, cis-gendered man is the most privileged demographic among those in the LGBTQ community. Many gay characters in film and media tend to be white and male, and their partners also tend to be white and male. Western media has pushed forward the notion that white men – straight or gay – are the forerunners of beauty and sex appeal. On the other hand, Asian men have a history of being constantly emasculated in Western media. This has had a

negative affect on my self-esteem and outlook on life.

I realized I was “different” when I was 13, just on the cusp of puberty. Like most non-straight teenagers, I suppressed my emotions out of fear, social pressure, and even denial, instead of replacing my need for a relationship with my need to do well in school. It wasn’t until I was 17 when I first came out to my best friend. For any non-straight person, coming out is an important milestone on the road to maturity. It was easier to embrace my identity and I was lucky enough to be surrounded by very open and accepting individuals.

Slowly but surely, I was beginning to be myself and love myself, but there was always another barrier I could never surpass.Homosexuality still remains extremely taboo in many Asian countries and cultures. The older, more conservative generations turn a blind eye to anything “out of the norm” and I have been told by my dad, after coming out to him two years ago, that the conversation of being gay is something I cannot ever have with my relatives in Vietnam. As of today, even my mom remains unaware of my sexuality. It is a sad truth to bear. Deep down, I know that coming out to my relatives in Vietnam would bring shame to my parents. For all that they have done for me, I do not want to be any more of a burden to them, so this is a small sacrifice I am willing to make to protect them. This is another facet of me being the filial son.

The concept of filial piety implies that I will find a girl to marry. My mom often expresses her wishes to

take care of her grandchildren in the future, and it always pains me when I continue to bury the fact that I cannot give her what she wants. While others may wholly embrace filial piety, I can only embrace it so much lest I go against who I am.  I was willing to do that in the past, but not now. This is the truth that I have to stand in, and one that took four years for me to realize.

It has been a long and arduous journey. It has taken me four years to even begin to love myself for who I am as a gay, Asian American and I am proud of myself for getting myself to this point.

My advice for anyone going through similar struggles is to be patient. It is so easy to say, and

tremendously difficult to do, but as cliché, as it sounds, it does get better. I advise you to surround yourself with good people. Find healthy ways to express yourself. Be proud of who you are, but be comfortable. Never feel like there is a deadline for you to come out to anyone because coming out should only be done when you are ready.

Understand that there will never be a day where you wake up and realize you will be happy forever. The pessimistic truth is that everything is transient – even happiness. There will still be rough days. You will still struggle. But once you are content with who you are, everything will be just a little easier.

Phil Huang is a Vietnamese-American graduate student who enjoys playing the piano and writing slice-of-life stories in his free time. He is currently studying public health nutrition. He dreams of travelling the world like every other millennial.